I'm Quitting Vanlife.
The day has come. I can’t keep up with this lifestyle anymore.
There are a hundred reasons to quit vanlife and there are a hundred reasons to continue. I’m still processing this transition, but I’m finally admitting to myself that recently I’ve been unhappy and unsatisfied. Maybe it’s because I had expectations that hadn’t been met, or maybe it’s because my priorities have shifted, but whatever the reason, I need things to change.
I expected to be constantly meeting people in all walks of life and building a wide network of friends. But the truth is, I’ve become even more detached from society. My lifestyle choices were making me less relatable to people, which was becoming a hindrance to developing deeper relationships with friends I already had, and a barrier to beginning new friendships. Most conversations I had with people were centered around me and my lifestyle, and I was getting tired of answering the same questions over and over again. I felt like I was only being recognized for what I was doing instead of who I was. I’m already an introverted person, but after 14 months in my car, I had become isolated.
I expected each day to bring a new challenge to help grow me in my understanding of the human condition. But the truth is, managing the many small challenges of my daily life was enough to keep me too occupied and too exhausted to reflect on the big questions I was hoping to answer. I was too busy trying to make my lifestyle work that I didn’t have the opportunity to truly appreciate and deeply understand the lessons I was learning.
I expected every day to be a crazy new adventure, and to be constantly driven to exploring the world around me. But the truth is, my heart has many desires, and by pressing too deeply into my adventurous side, I neglected other desires that I carry in my heart, specifically the desire to be in community and to be known and loved by people. I began to operate out of a necessity to chase experiences than by a desire to do so. I developed an apathetic attitude toward life, not realizing that some experiences are better shared with friends.
It wasn’t until a close friend asked me how I was really doing that I realized how unhappy I had become. Talking with her about how I felt alone in my pursuits, and desperately wanted people to share my experiences with made me realize that something had to change.
These last 14 months have been my best effort to enjoy all of the experiences that I’ve ever entertained. I gave myself full permission to say yes to any and all adventures so I could live life with no regrets. But in choosing to continue my car-living adventure in Colorado, I unintentionally categorized my time in Colorado as temporary. I may have originally intended Colorado to be the first stop among many future moves, but I’ve fallen in love with this place more than I originally thought I would. By committing to a nomadic lifestyle, I had given myself an excuse not to invest in relationships, because in my head, I would be leaving soon anyway.
So I’m changing my perspective on my time in Colorado. There is no guarantee that I will be here forever, but I don’t want to hesitate in this season of my life. I don’t want to be partially present in Colorado, I want to be fully committed to this place while I’m here. It feels like I’m starting over, and that’s terrifying. But I’m okay with that.
This past season has been one of the most stretching and growthful times in my life and it’s a little bittersweet to move onto the next chapter, but I’m ready for this change. I can now say that I spent over a year living in my car, an experience that not many people can say that they’ve had. I’ve learned a lot over the last 14 months, and though I’m still processing things, I can say with confidence that I’ve accomplished what I originally set out to do - learn more about my privilege and my responsibilities in this big broken world. So in this new season of life, I hope to apply what I learned, though I’m not sure what that looks like yet. I’m also hoping to learn about contentment - being happy with what I have, appreciative of the season I’m in, and investing in the process of growth and change. I think there will always be a part of me hungry for adventure and I know that I will always be chasing bigger and better things, but I don’t want to forget to be grateful for where I am right now.
So in the spirit of spontaneity, I’ve decided to move in with a girl I met on craigslist, in a beautiful two-bedroom exposed-brick apartment in the Highlands neighborhood of Denver. Angela seems like a really awesome person and the LoHi neighborhood is young and lively. It’s a big change from living out of my car in the suburban town of Boulder, but I’m excited for all that is to come. Here’s to a fresh start, and may this new narrative be even more colorful than the last.
