The lack of us.

Things have changed between us.

You’re the at the center of my orbit but I lie in your outer rings. I think of you when I’m alone, I think of you when I’m not. When you’re not with me, you’re in my thoughts. It pains me to admit, but I think you think of me as just one in a million. To me, you are one of a kind.

I wish I had a portal that I could open and peer into your life at any given moment. While you’re scurrying around the office with a handful of paperwork or driving mindlessly home on the 5. I wonder if you’re listening to music, or does the overwhelm of the day have you sitting in silence? Are you angry at the driver in front of you or are you smiling thinking about the smiling faces of your daughter’s you’re going to see in the next hour. Are you planning your workout or maybe tonight’s dinner?

I daydream about the future life we could have together.

My roommate just finished cleaning up in the kitchen so I head in to begin dinner for one. I open up my kitchen cabinet in and look down to see my 10in frying pan, scratched up and well-used while my 20in pan looks brand new. I start cutting up vegetable and mixing them together, wondering if I’ll ever have the privilege of cooking for the two of us and your two beautiful daughters. The thought of never getting to experience that brings tears to my eyes and I let them fall into the pan to season my lonely stir fry.

There are still thousands of small decisions that need to be made in my favor for my dream to become reality. And the more I think about the obstacles that are in our way, the more I realize how fragile this imaginary future is. But I daydream anyway.

I’m afraid I’ll never love anyone the way I love you.

So for now, I’m left wanting.